I hate job interviews.
All those hypothetical questions. All those phony answers. I know, employers want a good fit for their organization. It’s not enough to be competent in doing the job. They want to know if I’ll be a team player. Can I get along with others? Can I suck up to the powers that be that are running the show? In other words, will I sufficiently stroke the egos of the men in charge, while not making the women who’ve clawed their way up feel threatened?
I was recently practicing answering the questions again, looking for the “right” answers to give. For once, I’d like to tell an employer what I REALLY think. It would go something like this.
So tell us a little bit about you.
I have an intrinsic need to help people. I think it comes from the fact that when I was a kid I was told I’d never amount to anything because I wasn’t pretty. As a young adult I was fool enough to think I could make a difference in the world. Today I know better, but I’m too old to change career paths. Besides, who’s going to hire a bitter old woman like me for an entry level position when they could have an upbeat younger woman with perky tits? So why hire me? I know what documentation you need to cover your ass in case a disaster hits. Perky tits are great to look at, but they won’t save you from being fired, or worse, going to jail.
Why are you a good candidate for this position?
I am intelligent, hard-working, caring, and dependable. I’m also a woman, which means you can get twice as much work out of me for less than the cost of one man. Of course, I won’t be hanging out with you after work like a guy would, and I’m not a woman you’d be interested in screwing, which are definite drawbacks. But with my talent and hard work, you can look good to the higher-ups at my expense.
What is your greatest weakness?
I value competence in myself and in others. I work hard to be competent at whatever I do, and I don’t suffer buffoons. Unfortunately, that sometimes leads to other workers, including supervisors, becoming jealous of me. I compensate for this weakness by “dumbing it down,” so as to not make anyone feel the need to stab me in the back.
Tell me of a time you had to make a tough decision, and how you handled it.
Well, let me see, there was this guy I worked with that always got the plumb assignments, which in turn, got him lots of attention from the higher-ups. I complained, because it seemed to me he was getting preferential treatment because he was a man. I was told I was just being sore and not a team player, and besides, if I’d only work harder, I’d get better assignments too. So I shut up and worked twice as hard while nothing changed and the guy got promoted. I eventually found another job and quit.
Tell me of a time you had to handle conflict with a co-worker.
I was working with this man in a workplace where the majority of employees were women. He was, of course, well-loved because he had a penis. For months I watched this guy sit around checking Facebook while I was struggling to stay caught up in my work. One day my supervisor suggested I wouldn’t struggle so if only I would ask for help from the male worker. I replied that I’d already tried, but my co-worker only helped me when he felt like it, so I quit wasting my time asking. My supervisor’s response was to send the male employee to a conference. I eventually found another job and quit.
Tell me a time when you were able to make a positive change in the workplace.
Oh, that’s easy! I saw that we were not effectively using our work hours as a unit, so I had a talk with the male supervisor about it. He didn’t seem interested in my idea. However, in a manager’s meeting the following week, he shared his ideas on how to more effectively use work hours. His idea was put into effect, and he was hailed as a forward thinker. He soon got a promotion, and I got a new supervisor- the guy the old supervisor had been playing Call of Duty with for the past 6 months. I eventually found another job and quit.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Probably doing the same thing I’m doing now- looking for a different job. I no longer hold out hope I’ll find a place where women who just want to do the work are valued and nurtured, so I fully expect to roam for the remainder of my years.