As you know, we are soon moving to a new place in a new town.
And as you know, Malachi died.
I chose to bury Malachi in the yard beneath a tree here. It’s a tree where birds sing to us, and one of the homeless kitties often uses the tree to climb onto the roof of this house. Malachi liked to look out the window that faces that tree, so I felt it was appropriate.
Now I am feeling that was the wrong decision and I should have had him cremated, because now I will be leaving him behind.
This is me working through my grief, accepting he will not meow loudly at me from the carrier anymore, or stand by my feet when I eat, or nap from the high perch of the climber.
He will do all those things in my memories, but not physically. Malachi is gone.
I am devastated that he is not with us, but he is not being left behind. That is just me trying to make this all my fault. Same is with my thinking I should have known something was wrong. I should have took him to the vet sooner. I should have done this, or not done that, or… But Malachi had an annual physical and shots just 3 weeks ago, and he was just at the vet Friday. His muzzle was swollen. The vet said it was allergies and gave him a steroid shot to clear it up. And he was doing fine all weekend. The swelling dissipated. He was eating.
For me the worst part of losing a companion animal is the second-guessing myself after the fact. When I choose euthanization, I wonder if I chose too soon, or if something else could have been done. If my companion dies suddenly as Malachi did, I wonder if I ignored warning signs.
Life does go on. I have a new job to start, a new home to set up and lots of work to to do to get us into that new home. So thank you for letting me share with you my grief for a moment. It’s comforting to talk about this with those of you who understand.