Dear Man in a Furry Red Suit,
My name is Hissy Fit Jones, and I don’t like you.
Last year I told you not to come to my house.
This year, before I say anything, I have a few questions to raise.
First of all, why don’t people think it’s creepy that a grown man is sneaking into the homes of children in the middle of the night? How will I know it’s really you and not Roy Moore pretending to be you?
Second, you wear a red fur suit. Really? And just where do you get that red fur, Santa? I have red fur, and I would like to keep it.
And are you sure you’re not over-working the elves and reindeer! Are those elves free to leave whenever they want? Where do they live? How much are they paid? Do they have health insurance?
I know everyone says you’re wonderful, but in this day and age I find that the word of others is simply not good enough. I don’t want feel-good movies on the Hallmark Channel. I want the truth, and I want to hear it from you.
That’s what I want for Christmas.
Hissy Fit Jones