Friday I had a conversation with my dog. It went something like this:
ME: Rumpy, I don’t want to go to work today. Why don’t you go for me?
Rumpy: *blank stare*
But it got me thinking. What if I could send in a surrogate for me on days I’m just not feeling it? Like Rumpy, or June Buggie, or *gasp* even Hissy Fit Jones?
It would probably look something like this.
Rumpy would bound out of the elevator and rush up to each person he sees, give them a good morning woo, lick their hand, then steal whatever food they don’t have a firm grip on and run away. After he greets everyone, he’ll go to his cubicle, curl up underneath the desk and take a nap.
Around lunchtime he’ll head outside, pee on the sidewalk to mark his new territory, then check out all the people there. Homeless? Fancy suit? Tourist? He doesn’t care. Everybody gets the same treatment. He’ll have so much fun he’ll forget to go back to work after lunch, but once he realizes it’s time to go he’ll rush to catch his ride home, sticking his head out the window the entire way.
June Buggie would insist on being carried to his desk, then immediately slink away to search the entire area. He’ll find an obscure place to hide until lunchtime, when the smell of food will lure him to the break room area. There he’ll jump up on the table and meow mercilessly until someone gives him something to eat. Don’t bother trying to swat him down; he’ll get right back up again.
After lunch, he’ll look for a box of important papers in which to take a poop. Because he’ll want all his new friends to know it was him, he’ll refuse to cover. Then he’ll slink around the place, scaring the bejesus out of people who aren’t expecting him to bounce up on their desk. Come time to leave, he won’t come when called, but will run out any door left open and may or may not catch his ride home. If he doesn’t, he’ll be hanging out in some touristy bar flirting with the drunks, then taking their money.
And what would the elusive Hissy Fit Jones do?